Nonetheless, it feels good to be back! ^^ All these feelings have cramped up in me for awhile, and I think it's time for me to unleash the mixed up emotions inside of me.

A new year, a new start.

"Make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today."

My dad always said that to me. It didn't actually get me at the start but now I think I've managed to understand what he meant. "You should be grateful for being alive today, and be grateful if you get to be alive tomorrow." That was what I thought at first until I figured out the truth myself. I was living in those thoughts for a few years, and those thoughts made me alive.

I pretty much had a bad childhood. Never getting anything I want from my parents, and my parents giving what I want to my own family members.. It's never a good sight. There are much worse things that happened but I don't think it's worth mentioning... rather I think it's better to let it be unknown to the world. You might think I'm pathetic to whine over such little things but only the person who's suffering can know the depths of those wounds. Despite all the bitterness, those memories is who made me who I am today. Every time I think of killing myself, I would remember what my dad told me and I would throw all my 'suicidal' thoughts away, and soon afterwards, a sense of regret and realization shines upon me and I promised myself to never think of that again. Hence why I keep scissors in my room instead of those box-cutter knives, or any kind of blades. It's just harder to cut your wrists with scissors, y'know?

There's a reason why I hate people with suicidal thoughts, even though I have them sometimes. I just think they really have a reason to live in the world. People die all the time, some starve to death, some gets killed in an accident, some gets murdered and the list goes on.. but you don't know what they would do to just go back alive for just a moment to see their loved ones and say a few words to them. So throwing your life away like that is just a thoughtless act.

Sometimes we need to be more appreciative with our lives. We might think what we have is 'not enough' but actually it's more than enough. Have you ever think about those homeless people on the streets? I'm pretty sure they had a much rougher life before them but I don't ever think they actually thought of "suiciding", not that I know what they actually think or what life they had.

There was one time when I was hanging out with my dear friend Aiman at McDonalds, at 12AM in the morning. There was this guy who approached me, asking for money. He said he was hungry and all, so I offered him McDonalds, I told him to pick anything he want, but he refused. In my heart I was like what the hell? You said you were hungry and now you refused when I offered you food? But then suddenly another man approached us. He told me how this guy annoyed him and his friend, and they suddenly had a fight. I didn't say anything, and they decided to settle this outside. I thought they were just being polite y'know, not fighting in a peaceful restaurant, but turns out it became a bloodbath. They were just spewing words at each other for awhile, suddenly a gang came and beat up the poor guy. He just asked for money, does he actually deserve this kind of punishment? I felt kinda depressed to see that helpless guy getting beaten up, eventhough I know that I could do something, but I never actually did. I didn't move a bit. I pretended nothing happened and continued talking to Aiman. I really felt bad, I felt like something was wrong. Aiman wanted to go and help the guy out, but I said don't go. I didn't know why. I kept thinking," If I actually gave that man money, he wouldn't have gotten into this mess." If we went to help those guys would probably beat our asses too, but when I think about it, they have no reason to do so, other than doing it 'for fun'. I was scared. But it's just too late now isn't it? It's just... too late.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

Goddamn it life, why give us lemons? Couldn't you given us a better fruit? Watermelons, strawberries, anything sweet? And right before I'm about to ask myself, "How do I make lemonade with my bare hands?" A random guy throws in a pitcher and a lemon squeezer screaming "You're welcome!" Kinda sucks to be honest. It's like you're stuck with reality. but you ARE stuck with reality, no? So why don't you make use of the lemons, and quench your thirst by making a lemonade.

This quote actually tells us indirectly that 'shit happens', so flush it down the toilet and spray deodorant or some fragrant. Accept life as it is, and just go with the flow. Enjoy every bits of life as you go on. You might think, "I wish this lasts forever." or something like that but sometimes it's better of as a memory. Use those bits of memories to make sure you have a good life ahead.

I've learned to appreciate things when they come and and when it's time for them to go, I'll accept it with an open heart. Shit happens, that's for sure, but there's no reason to throw a tantrum just for that. If they go, let them be a part of your past. Don't let your past drag you in moving towards the greater future.


P.S: Despite the fact that this post isn't really about new years(probably cause you're 7 days late)... I hope you guys have a great year ahead of you. ^^